And when we get to Paris,I'll show you the time of your life. I, me, after-- No. [looks under the sheet of his doodle pad] Umone minor note here. Hamm: Hey, heads up, everybody. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Come along, Duchess. Duchess: Yes. While the son, still with his mother's shit in his mouth, goes over and licks the baby's tiny little balls. Marie: And Marie. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offsceen] Oh, come now, Georges. [Dives off the bedpost and bounces off the ball with his helmet]. Duchess:Very good, darling. Scat Cat: Why, this is outrageous &crazy! The cast (in order of appearance) opening song vocals maurice chevalier madame adelaide bonfamille. Kittens? It's a totally different show. Laverne: Nobody wants to stay cooped up here forever. [chuckling] Just like you say, Thomas. Mark Elliott: Outside was a world he had only dreamed about. Why, I'll, I'll eatmy hat if they-- My hat! Cats:Everybody, everybodyEverybody wantsto be a cat, Berlioz: [ Sighing ]Everybody wantsto be a cat, Marie: Because a cat'sthe only catWho knowswhere it's at. O'Malley: "Basted"? [offscreen]I've learned to live with 'em. Thief #1: [sings] Have lots of grubs to share! Portions of this script are copyrighted by walt disney company and are used without permission. Napoleon:Wait a minute. And certainly no one can do this betterthan my faithful servant, Edgar. [ Stammering ]D-D-Don't rush me. Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth, and the mother tears off tear-away pants, squats down over his face and starts shitting all over him. They're eating dinner, and they just finish, and their maid comes in and she clears the plates. Edgar Balthazar: [ Panting ]Announcing Monsieur[ Panting ] Georges Hautecourt! The joke was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name. O'Malley: Keep your head up, Marie! Darling, why, that--Why, that's ridiculous. So dysfunctional, it defies description. [Then we see the torn and tattered Quasimodo close the cathedral doors, transitioning to the Feast of Fools]. Duchess:[offscreen]His name is O'Malley. And then my daughter comes on stage. Clopin and Chorus: [singing] BellsofNotreDame! Toulouse: Gee whiz! I've made the headlines." [Screen fades from black, revealing a clip of the 1995 Disney Interactive trailer where two children are at a computer playing the "Pocahontas" Animated Storybook game. And the talent agent goes, So what kind of act do you do? The father starts taking his shirt and jacket off. O'Malley:[offscreen]Hey, cool it, you little tiger. Berlioz:We were just practicingbiting and clawing. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Now don't move. Edgar Balthazar: [Shoes Squeaking] If I were those mongrels, where would I find my stuff? Oh, no! They got rubber feet. O'Malley: Look, baby, it's late, okay? Duchess: Marie, darling. Let's be nice to our new friends. And your music is so--so different,so exciting. He sneaked upbehind me and tailgated me. Lafayette: Oh, shucks, Napoleon. Jon Stewart: Um Yeah, I think it's best if we don't break it down. [2] When told to audiences who know the punch line, the joke's humor depends on the described outrageousness of the family act.[3][4]. Because with usshe never felt alone. Girls! Dig thesefancy wigwams. O'Malley: I'll bet they're onthat magic carpet right now. Frou-Frou: Oh, Roquefort, I've beenso worried about you. Nothin'. Will you hold on, please. Let's play train. Marie: Thank you, Mr. O'Malley,for saving my life. And he says, "The Osbournes.". Backtrack a little. [Screen fades to reveal more clips] Aladdin and Jasmine's dreams are eventually coming true. Lafayette: He's back on the moter-thingy. Doug Stanhope: With this bleeding anus splattering on the crowd. I ain't done nothin'. The father bends the kid over the guy's desk and starts taking him from behind, which isn't right. Would you agree with that? Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland pony! Hallelujah! Why, you won't believewhat they tried to doto your poor old Uncle Waldo! I'll get flat feet. Now, you go for the tires, Laffy and I'll goright for the seat of the problem. All Rights reserved. [after Wendy Liebman describes a normal family act]. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. He takes the tampon and throws it at the window and it sticks. [Laughing]You're making it very difficult. O'Malley: Duchess and kittens in trouble? They're gone! Lafayette: I'm scratchin'as fast as I can. Toulouse: Yeah. But I'm a mouse! Come on. And I come after the cats. The Aristocrats is a fascinating essay on the nature of stand-up. It's just beyondthat next chimney pot. Clickety-clickety-clickety. A family walks in to a talent agency. O'Malley: Well, humans don't really worrytoo much about their pets. Buzz Lightyear: To infinity. And the talent agent says, "Sorry, we don't sign family acts. Good heavens! I'm still tryin'to get to SHORE! [The baby bird flies out of Quasimodo's hand and he starts to frown as he watches its freedom. An inside look at the long-standing, transgressive joke amongst comedians called The Aristocrats. Then we see a picture of Walt Disney]. O'Malley:Wellguess they won'tneed me any more. [Growling]. Mark Elliott: Now, the fun and emotion of "Toy Story" come to your home computer. O'Malley: [Gasping]Alrighty, whatever. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Of course, Frou-Frou,I almost forgot. 7:01. Mark Elliott: "Aladdin" showed you an entire new world. (2x). In its most-basic form, a family goes to see a talent agent, performs their actwhich is comprised of disgusting depravityand once they finish, 4:39. Amelia: Yes, that's a question. Berlioz: Come on, " Rodeford." Are you all right? Scat Cat: [ Chuckling ] Say! The 100 Greatest TV Shows of All Time Buzz Lightyear: [Fires his laser, but it only flashes at the mutant toys] I've set my laser from "stun" to "murder". Look at this! Duchess: Oh, no, no, no. Toulouse: Frogs? Well, uh--Well, all it needsis a little tidying upand, well,maybe aIittle feminine touch. They're gone! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Duchess? Born in April of 1811, he was the These pesky pets of mine will never come back. [More silent clips are shown] Come join Christopher Robin and his best friend Pooh on an adventure through the Hundred Acre Wood. We're gonnafly after all! Mark Elliott: "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves"! Mr. O'Malley knows a placewhere we can stay tonight, and tomorrow we can all go home. I'll be right back, y'all. And I always throw in that. She'd always say that we'rethe greatest treasure she could own. Everythingyou possess? Abigail & Amelia: [ Laughing ] [offscreen]That's stick together. [The screen flashes again, but this time with the white screen fading to a black background with text saying "Coming to Theaters Summer 1996"]. Now that leavesMr. O'Malley. Georges Hautecourt: And how we celebrated your success! The Aristocats! Genie Chorus: [singing] There's a festival in Agrabah! Oops! There's no legal system at all in play in a joke. Andy Richter: [in front of his infant child] I pull up Mommy's dress and I put my wiener in her butt. Now, run along downstairs. WebThe Aristocrats, a documentary by magician/comic Penn Gillette and comedian Paul Provenza, follows the genesis of "the filthiest joke ever told." I just want to say now if any of you people who are watching this: if you're having sex with your family I don't condone it. [Humming"Rock-A-Bye-Baby"]Oops! Yeah. O'Malley: Go away! O'Malley:But-- But your owner is--Well, she's justanother human. [Screaming]Nice doggy! I say, that's not at all bad. Duchess:[offscreen]And, wham, when weneeded you, you were right there. So they're all f***ing each other right. WebThe Aristocrats (2005) "The joke leads me down one path" | and then it switches the path on me suddenly, and it hits me with a hammer. The 2005 film The Aristocrats documented the history of the joke, which was so filthy that comedians traditionally told it backstage at clubs rather than in the spotlight. Mark Elliott: The "Toy Story: Animated Storybook" and "Toy Story: The Video Game", from Disney Interactive! Butler did it. Mm. We know if you would let us perform it for you you would want to sign us." Edgar was in it. Gilbert Gottfried Aristocrats joke (2) VindictivePotato. Duchess: Please, girls. You know, this isthe low-rent district, remember? Marie: Ladies do not start fights, Buster, but they can finish them. And we were all ridingand bouncing along--. Have some. Beda Tre. [Whispering]Can you keep a secret? Scat Cat: Likewise, Duchess. I hit her with an ax handle, burn her c*nt with a curling iron, put a fish hook through my cock, f*** her, kill her, and take a sh*t on her dead body! Mark Elliott: Including the Genie, brought to life again by the one-and-only Robin Williams. Duchess Oh, how nice. Mother's going towork for Mr. O'Malley. Because no one is gonna book this show! Title of infamous joke without a punchline. Kyle?! WebThe Aristocrats is a terminal movie. John Leader: He created a motion picture based on a story that held a special place in his heart. Thieves! All of a sudden the kid can't take it, diarrhea starts shooting out of his ass. Edgar Balthazar: Madame, uh-- May I takeyour parcel, Madame? The shift in editing over to pages for the movies, characters, actors, directors, composers, crew and galleries is now fully in effect. It slides out of the stable as a truck pulls up]. O'Malley: Come on, Duchess. [Grunting]Lafayette! All thoselittle kittens of yours, Duchess. Marie: Come on, guys, lets all start meowing. You know, they make the morningradiant and light. Very poetic. IT'S JUST, "HERE WE GO, FOLKS." Frollo: [To Phoebus, unimpressed] Look at that disgusting display. Now on video for a very limited time! Georges Hautecourt:[Chuckles] Of course. Why, that's terrible! Andy Dick: I come out, dressed as Hitler in crotchless panties. Where--And somebody stolemy bumber shoot! Georges Hautecourt: Ah, still the softest handsin all of Paris, eh? She plays Chopin's third movement, in B minor. Napoleon: Hush your mouth, you idiot. Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. Prev Disney classic animated feature aristocats script (version 1.0) disclaimer: Which pets are blessed with the fairest forms and faces? Something horrible's happening! What do you call the act?" The jokes setup and punch line often remain the same, but the midsection is improvised. Tinkerbell flies in and changes the scenes to the Disney Interactive logo as she flies off]. Two-cylinder, chain drive. Let'sget back into the basket, all of us! I know, i know, i still need to get the cast names in there and i'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any. Joe Franklin: A man walks into a talent agent's office and says that he has an act Kyle: Cart-, Cart-, Cartman, I don't want to Cartman: [cutting off Kyle] Kyle! Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. Anyway, it's much longerthan I'd ever live. Will you hold on, please! I'm the leader. Did you haveany luck at all? WebThe Aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. Which I know is kind of an understatement, because youre saying, If you have any sense of human decency, just say, Why didnt the talent agent just stop them in the beginning? Clopin: [sings] Here it is, the moment you've been waiting for. Watch your mouth. Don't worry. I was asleep a winkall day. Look, Georges. Marie: And are we reallygonna ride on it? My umbrella! . You eitherare or you're not. We're on holiday. Duchess:Oh, darling, if,if only I could. Ooh. The cat runs to the stable door and locks it. Duchess: Good evening,Monsieur Roquefort. O'Malley runs and Edgar chases him. [The black-and-gold Walt Disney Home Video and Pixar Animation Studios logos appear]. [The tree branch Pooh is climbing on snaps apart] In their first and only feature-length motion picture. WebComedians don't tell jokes. [offscreen] Maybe we'd betterfind another place, huh? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughs]Oh, Georges! [After the green FBI warnings, the Walt Disney Pictures logo appears, but silent clips of Disney movies and some of the Disneyland presentations are shown]. [Clips of "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh" are shown]. Frou-Frou: Hurry, Roquefort. Edgar opens the door. But right now it's time we concerned ourselveswith self-improvement. Duchess:Because of our owner. Sam:[offscreen]Well, Mac, this must be the trunk, eh? Marie: I'll show youif I'm a lady or not. Frogs: [singing] Ribbit, croak, needeep, croak, ribbit. In that sense, its the ideal joke for a comedy documentary. The fun begins now on video! Duchess:[offscreen]Oh, never mind, Marie. The Aristocrats Joke!!! Duchess: Especially whenhe's marinated! Duchess:Oh! Okay. [offscreen] Lafayette,what in tarnation you trying to do!? Rita Rudner: The people are abusing each other. Napoleon: Wha-Wha--What's goin' on? Mark Elliott: Lead Aladdin into his biggest adventure ever. Lafayette: Oh, cricket bugsdon't wear shoes, man. Abigail: You know, deary, your husband is very charmingand very handsome. Roquefort: Oh, please! Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. Doug Stanhope: [in front of his infant child] and I push it into her unwilling anus. Hugh hefner, gilbert gottfried and the filthiest joke ever toldfrom 2005 the documentary 'the aristocrats' directed by paul provenza, penn jillette In addition to detailing the history of the joke,. Something horrible is happening. Don't fuss over me. [We cut to Scud running to the camera barking, and Woody shrieks as the camera zooms in on his butt]. And he's like, "It's not a f***in' prop act, is it?". Run! Will. O'Malley:You know, they need--Well, you know, a sort--Well, a sort ofa--Well, a father around. Georges Hautecourt: Let go of my cane, man! Hmm? Thank goodness you're safe! Well. Uh-oh. ", T. Sean Shannon: "Well, you can't say that.". [offscreen]You believe me,don't you? Napoleon: And whoever it isis gonna get it and get it good. Toulouse: But you know what? Edgar! The father grabs the baby, takes off his diaper and starts sucking his cock, right? This kitten cat knows where it's at! Naturellement! Absolutely. Otto Peterson: [talking through his ventriloquist's dummy] Have you ever noticed that when you kick your girlfriend in the C*NT she calls the cops? Hugo, Victor and Laverne: [singing] A guy like you! I mean and waiting waiting for the death penalty! Duchess:I'll never forget you,Thomas O'Malley. Someday they're all goingto be yours, you sly old fox. Buzz Lightyear: [Closes his wrist communicator] This is no time to panic. Whew! But it is notquite Shakespeare. And the agent's like, "What do you do?" YeahAbraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malleythe alley catThat's rightAnd I'm very proud of that (Spoken)Yeah! That was something. Abigail: He takes to waterlike a fish, doesn't he? Napoleon: Wait a minute. Use your karate chop action! Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. We British liketo keep things proper. Bye. Berlioz: But he had a mouthlike a "hippolotamus.". Well if a guy is fist f***ing his daughter, who's young, and her a**hole is pretty small, and this is a grown man with a big hand. 0:55. Oh, l, I mean,even little Marie. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, ho! Uncle Waldo: [Laughter]Now, now, now, now. Thieves: [singing] Welcome to the Forty Thieves! O'Malley: Duchess, If I can live with you, will you marry me? A family walks in to a talent agency. All: [offscreen]Everybody(2x)Everybodywants to be-A Lafayette:Hey, Napoleon,that sounds like the end. 17 In the middle part of the joke, the family's act is described in obscene detail; it involves increasingly offensive and disgusting acts. I'mRoquefort by the way, I need your help,Duchess! All aboard for Paris! You're justher house pets. Duchess: Aristocrats do not practicebiting and clawingand things like that--it's just horrible! The horse hits Edgar with her back legs and he flies into the trunk. Frogs: [singing] There's so much to say, but we have all day. Duchess: Marie! Oh! Answer me please. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:That's exactlywhat they are, Georges. Someday, we might meeta tough alley cat. I-- I couldnever leave her. [The movie logo appears one last time] "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh". Edgar Balthazar:[offscreen]Now, my little pesky pets. I'd like to send it to the kids from the show "Full House". Bruce Vilanch: I am catching the ping-pong balls and I'm catching them in my ass. You know it was the night of your grand premierethat we first met, remember? Edgar Balthazar:You came back? How did they develop this act! And I think this young manis very handsome. Georges Hautecourt: You haven't got an extra foot,have you, Edgar? Web. "Stuffed with chestnuts"? O'Malley:Yeah, honey. [Snarling,Hissing]. Remember when I took you to Sea World? That'spretty corny, though, huh? [Laughing]Aren't you proud of me? Next You know. BAM THEM WITH AS POLITE A The aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. Someone call the cops and Ill sneak out. [Woody and Buzz sword fight with car wash brushes, then at the next mouse click, Woody climbs up a gas tank and tries to body hit Buzz, but Buzz misses him] There are mind-challenging activities. Woody: This is the perfect time to panic! Gilbert Gottfried: A lot of you are probably saying "Wait, wait, wait. Abigail: Silly you! Phoebus: She's very lucky to have a friend like you. Then, presto! Abigail: Yes. I think it's wrong I've done a lot of PSA's do NOT f*** your family. Scat Cat tosses a bucket of water over Edgar's head. I'll be spitting feathers for a week. Lafayette: I'll see ya in the morning,Napoleon. Sarah Silverman: Joe Franklin loved The Aristocrats. Lil' Rush Duchess: [Laughs]"Old picklepuss who"? This joke was met with boos and jeers of "too soon." WebThe aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. [ Yawns ] Come on, guys, let's go back to bed. Bonsoir! Berlioz: [Yelps, Needle Scratching,Music Slows]. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. Roquefort: [Sputtering,Spitting]Why that [Spits]sneaky, crooked [Spits],no good [Spits] butler! Let's rock the joint! Duchess: Now, Marie, darling,don't be frightened. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offscreen]Edgar! The entire joke was a lampoon of the wealthy elite. Startmentioning name, rodent. [Snarling, Hissing, Spitting ]. [sings] A guy so swell. Ow! [offscreen]Berlioz, here we are. John Leader: Now, that movie can be part of your family's collection of grand Disney animated classics. Amelia: No! Hugo: [Spits the straw and feathers out of its mouth] Man! Toulouse: Get her, Berlioz! Naturellement! Judy Gold: People can get up on stage if they want to, you know, finger my niece or touch my nephew's penis. Georges Hautecourt:Very good. What's this? She loves us very much. Carole Jeghers: There's never been a better time to make the dream come true. He's our oldest anddearest friend, you know. Lafayette: Oh, I get blamedfor everything. Cartman: You guys want to hear a funny joke my grandpa told me? [Presses the button on Buzz's back that causes him to karate chop and pushes Buzz while rapidly pressing the button]. Comics Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette are in the fall-over-laughing camp. If I said "magic carpet," okay? Penn Jillette: What do you call an act like that? [Smacking Lips]Delicious! [7] It was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name by Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette. Which pets know bestall the gentle social graces? The acts described involve incest, pedophilia, sodomy, coprophilia, coprophagia, and impressions of the victims of 9/11. That's onlya little frog, my love. He told me justto mention his name. Amelia: It's scandalous. Frogs: [singing] Needeep, croak, ribbit, croak, needeep. Duchess:Oh, no, no. Okay, baby. Uh, not exactlyyour type, Duchess. We chased four motorcarsand a bicycle and a scooter. He's beenmarinated in it. Georges Hautecourt: [ Laughing ]Come on, Edgar. O'Malley! Frou-Frou: I know. O'Malley:Well, girls, see ya around. If I picked a day to fly, oh, this would be it. [Chuckling][Giggling, Groaning]Mm-mm. Swimming, some of the way. In the South Park version, Cartman tells the other boys the joke his grandfather told him while at the school bus stop. Winnie the Pooh! Shun Gon: Oh, boy, fellas! Andy Richter: And the man says "The Aristocrats" [long pause] and did I mention that two of the men are probably Jews?