Maybe your boyfriend can learn different ways of responding to you and learn how to respect your stated wishes without requiring to justify them. 4. I have to consciously remind myself sometimes that feelings are allowed because I would like life better if I could reason them away, or at the very least put them in a box labeled This feeling serves X purpose. But this very desire means I know how nonsensical my own brain can be when it comes to why I feel what I feel, so I cant fathom trying to turn that analysis onto someone else as if I know how to solve someone elses feelingsbraincomplex. LW, whatever you chose to do today is enough. *I do not recommend you use this tone, Im just naturally combative and I hate being told what to do. We also set aside a weekly time for Partnership Serious Talks and during that time we create a space for advice and suggestions that we then do not revisit at any other point during the week. Trouble concentrating. Again, voice of experience, you do not want the realization of how stressful he really is to be when youve been thrown back to the bottom of the well. He doesnt want you to be as well as possible (AWAP), he wants your illness to be gone. He felt justified in hurting my feelings as long as it was based in reason.. Aside from that, by telling him that you don't like her will make him see your point of view. I think you are being unreasonable, he has apologized and you sending him that long message saying he's selfish was rude and uncalled for yet he apologized to you AGAIN. And you know what? So, I thought about it and suggested I could go buy him a bunch of veggies he likes and he could randomly munch on those when he had cravings. Run. When he was in a show that had evening rehearsals nearly every night of the week, I ordered personal Mahi Mahis like every single night. But that makes deliberately exercising seem like Im bowing down to that warped idea of my self-worth. Focusing on changing someone allows wounds to fester. If your social group feels patch and thin, take steps to meet new people. Please dont give me advice unless I ask you directly.. Love is out there girls, just make sure you are attentive and smart when it comes to a long distance roller coaster ride. A lot of times he may have hinted you before that there was something that bothered him. Leave now. In hindsight there was nothing he could have done. You cant have every moment be a comfortable one otherwise youre never actually challenging yourself, but they are needed otherwise you burn out. I get the feeling that even if LW does everything the boyfriend wants, and eats all her veggies and does a few triathlons and gets a job modeling for Vogue and is elected President of the Universe, there will always still be something else for him to criticize. Thing is, Ive been dealing with depression, anxiety, and etc for a few years now and Im JUST NOW to the point where doing even X is a major accomplishment. What kind of phrases should I NOT say? On a very small and lighter note, and maybe as perspective, I think that eating whatever the heck one wants when partner is out of town is The Very Best Thing You Could Ever Do. One thing Ive found helpful is the reflection that self-destructive actions are often also strategies for immediate survival for getting through particular moments. True story: I knew I needed to break up with my exboyfriend when I started composing Captain Awkward letters in my head. That can be so helpful. When its not great, things like this are no longer handled delicately If hes yelling at you over small things, there is no way his head is still in it. Being supportive is hard. Is he making home-cooked, healthy meals? Make sure his action matches whatever he tells you. . And the autocorrect version.). When someone we know cheated on a beloved partner, he had trouble wrapping his head around why someone would possibly do that. Even if youre really busy with work, uni, or whatever it is that keeps you tied up all day and night long he used to make sure there was always time for the two of you. Though I would be concerned that a person who says the things he says would also have a completely not-of-reality idea of how much housework is being done by whom and, if hes anything like my ex who pulled similar stunts, possibly expecting LW to do most/all of it because hes riding on privilege+entitlement. But you are in therapy and making efforts to recover, and it doesnt sound like your condition and treatment plan isnt putting their well-being at risk, so that doesnt seem to be happening here. My BF was genuinely not a bad guy. I can tilt my head to one side and see a boyfriend that this LW needs to dump *yesterday* because all hes doing is trying to build his ideal partner out of what he believes is some kind of nascent state that can go in any direction, like a bunch of stem cells. A lot of people who have disabilities end up with serious social problems, at least for a while, as they have to figure out which people will still treat them well and which will cause them problems in all sorts of new ways. Ideas which involve me policing my SOs behavior, rather than my SO doing it for themselves those ideas both take agency from my SO, and attempt to make their behavior my responsibility. She can call a plumber or locksmith. If you need something short and sweet to say to your BF to stop the mansplaining, and to allow a moment for your brain to get into gear, try this: Thus: In some cases, he may have been enjoying chasing you more than having caught you. It is better to be on your own than to have the weight of someone elses expectations on you. Listen respectfully and be open to talking about his feelings. I needed therapy, not just support, and his well-meaning attempts to get me active were grating and undermining to me. She will ask me to do things like remove sharp objects from her living space, check in to make sure shes eating, wake her up in the morning when shes unlikely to get up on her own, phone her psychiatrist to give info/updates about how shes doing, and so on. Then, at the end of any date, I got this huge guilt trip if I didnt show gratitude. As the Captain and some of the Army have said, sometimes people need a bit of time to reset themselves mentally from caretaker, and weird things can stand in for anxiety about another person. He used to love calling you his girlfriend, he never missed an opportunity to flaunt you off as if everyone was supposed to know that this time its serious. This! At a minimum, he is not currently doing the first half. And I think the reason for that might be that he doesnt understand depression AT ALL. I cringe whenever I think about how unfair and how disrespectful I was to him, and how much time we wasted together when we each could have been in other situations (partnered or not) that would have been more fulfilling. What kind of wording do you want me to use? Asking this question can highlight how very much NOT his business some of the issues are while also clarifying if there *are* legitimate areas of discontent (Doing most of the housework is not working for me any more; can we talk about some chores you could take on?). Hes developed some very strong and unrealistic expectations about ways LW will change. 3. He Stops Chasing You & Being Romantic. I had the same thing with the hubs about soup (soup!) OK, so let us assume for a moment that your boyfriend is not actually a Raging Arsehole whos trying to create his own Stepford Girlfriend, and that he genuinely is trying to help you. . Dynamitochondria, I really have nothing useful to add to that link, except I have been there, and it sucks. Or maybe, like so many men, he just expects the woman to do most of the housework. They are not partner micro-managing tools. I hate those inspirational stories. Not good. This was where I got very concerned. What he isnt doing for you anymore is working to make the relationship work! Can I have a word of encouragement when you have a moment?, hell send me a You can do this or I believe in you when he gets the chance, which is all I really need. You wrote: Im in therapy to recover and get to a place where I think that Im good enough & love and trust myself again (after years growing up having that constantly undermined) . It's concering to me that he never wants to do anything nice together or . Maybe he thinks he wants you better, so acts in ways that can be seen as toward that goal, but is afraid of you being better, because then he would have no grounds to act superior to you. I find that the occasional session of length swimming makes me feel mentally great for a while afterwards, but I will also be exhausted for the rest of the day and not be able to get anything done, and usually experience a mood crash too. You are doing exactly what you need to do, and do not need to do more because someone else says so. It kind of seems like he is very invested in being the one in control of your life and success, and that is at great odds with your wish to be the captain of your own ship, as it were. (From knowing my mother I now if shed had any reservations she would have allowed herself to tell me about them as many times as she could. You know way better than any of us how useful this phrase will be. This has gotten him in trouble a few times. This is emotionally manipulative behavior. What do I do? We love each other and were helping each other feel better. I appreciate that you care about me, but Im good, so lets change the topic.. You need figure out what makes you happy, and start doing that. When he would not go to counseling with me, I went by myself. He has literally never done this. That is how that behaviour makes me feel. If she is similar, then making it easier to have the social thing happen and harder to get out of once agreed to may be helpful. ! certainly did not help with my mood issues. Thank you so much. Some men prefer to chase women rather than being in a relationship with them. When the passion is gone in a relationship it means the good stuff thats supposed to fuel you through the bad stuff is no longer there, meaning, theres simply no point in pretending I care if the girl has wacky opinions about something. I went through a phase when I asked him if he was feeling depressed almost every day at a point when he was beginning to feel better. Yes. Absolutely. First, he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. That's key: the minute there's no effort from both partners, then there's no relationship. It sounds terrible. Im so disappointed in you. That means I dont want to run my food intake by you any more., To be absolutely clear, you should not have to justify any of this, and you are not the one making it weird by setting boundaries here. Accepting you means accepting that. He used to love visiting your family, friends and all the places you like going to. have your own lives outside of each other. Your dreams for the future have taken a back seat. Im struggling to find good ways to respond to my boyfriend when he tells me what I should or need to be doing. If your boyfriend has trouble talking about his feelings, try asking him if there's anything he'd like to talk about (within your relationship or just in general). Sometimes I clean, sometimes I knit, sometimes I go for a walk, but I feel like the fastest way to undermine him is to should at him. Do not wait until the stress of dealing with him makes your fingers itch for a sharp object (or whatever). I mention all of this because I remember thinking to myself a lot, during that time, Eh, this is fine. Your boyfriend should be treating you with love and compassion, not telling you your efforts are Not Good Enough (seriously, WTF?!). Hell yeah! You have a conversation, maybe two, maybe several and nothing seems to be wrong. Because if so, you need to skip all the subtler steps and skip straight to Therapist, these things my boyfriend does and says are making it worse, help! Right now. Controlling me became an end in its own right, because it flattered his ego. When I was in my early 20s I was a mess. My great-grandfather had families in the UK, Germany and Australia, none of whom were aware of each other until Facebook. Usually in the interest of my mental and physical health, but also a little bit because living with someone who has panic attacks can be exhausting especially when they dont always take the best care of themselves (guilty). I hope others have advice too. I think part of his deal was that he was trying to make some positive changes in his own life. So, think about how much of this does or does not seem to fit. In my relationship Im on both sides of the caring/cared for spectrum: I have depression and my partner is physically disabled. Well. This is a guy who hasnt figured out how to be kind and supportive in even the most basic ways. Coaches and therapists and teachers also operate with professional distance and ethics that dont mix with romance. 2) said, Im going to [the gym, for a run, to walk the dog, to a coffee shop to get out of the apartment for a bit], want to come? And the accepted my yes or no WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. 15 Signs He Has Stopped Making an Effort If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: 1. If so, should I remind you in the morning? One of the reasons my partner has my trust when it comes to medicine things and my parents do not is because when I say to them I am trying this new thing for X, because my doctor thinks it will do Y without causing Z side effect my partner replies with Cool, hope it kicks in and helps you feel better, let me know if you need me to do anything and my parents reply with a long list of reasons Doctor Oz thinks that its the most evil drug in the world and how can your doctor be competent if theyre prescribing this drug that moms degree from Google University taught her to think is bad?. Exercise doesnt always improve my mood sometimes it just provides a distraction/occupation for me so I spend less time ruminating. If he makes you feel like crap about yourself, then you will feel like no one else will want to be with you. If he does answer, sometimes it takes a while unlike before where there were never more than two rings on the line before he picked up now it can take five or six rings! He really thought he was helping by being logic- and reason-focused to the point that he would ignore and/or belittle anything I said about how I wanted to be treated unless I could back it up with logic. Anyway, enough about me. 5. So, my friends often come over here. Does your therapist think that this is normal and helpful behavior? Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. Your email address will not be published. With that said, the author adds the context that the dog was originally her ex-boyfriend's, and he had been trying to get his dog back for a while. If hes not pulling his weight, then this is an attempt to manipulate you into doing all the work. I dont know if your boyfriend will ever accept that your moods are part of the package but there will be someone who will. Exercise doesnt have to hurt to be effective. He seems to be framing it as good diet and exercise will make you feel better rather than be thinner but I wonder if the latter is his true goal here. Or bringing you vegetable soup when youre too depressed to cook? There are certainly some grave warning signs here the passive aggression being one of them; its so easy to let someone know how little you mean to them by ignoring them in the day to day, withdrawing affection and communication. I cant leave my house very much. You SHOULD tell this to your therapist, and any other allies you have. He may even try and find an alternative route so he can avoid spending time alone with you, or cancel at the last moment if he does suggest it because something came up. And Im never one to turn down a good Jedi telehug, so thanks for that too. Also, as an ex-smoker, I agreed with you on the you cant change other people front. They are not your child who needs to be emotionally spanked. Your efforts to change your partner's contrary viewpoints (financial, political, religious, or otherwise) have begun to feel demeaning or disrespectful to them, as betraying not only your. "Cheaters may downplay the nature of their relationship with their lover by insisting that they are just friends and adding that they are not their type," shares Lawless. They feel like Im not happy isnt enough, especially if they suffer from low self esteem. Even after I told him I wasnt interested in doing that, hed bring it up ad naseum. In detail. I am so mad at you for having cancer! See the problem? You also have the feeling that something must be wrong between you two because it feels like there are more bad days than good ones lately. My partner trusted me about what was going on in my own body, even when it was weird and new and disturbing, and he didnt push me. The delivery guy must have thought I was pregnant. Cant think of a more clear way to phrase it. He sounds like a couple dudes Ive known in that he likes to be a fixer, which is not inherently a horrible quality in a person. I want to make him happy It's not about him, it's about you. I find that when one person is overly invested in helping someone else, its often an indicator that they have their own issues which theyre trying to feel better about. Theres no discussion or debate or simply respect for holding different views; he simply insulted your view in a way that seems designed to shut you up. Its like, I am going to have a short break from the environment that is making me so unhappy. Its scary breaking up with someone when yr already in a vulnerable headspace, but it is very possible that you will actually feel waaaay better without this dude in the picture. So, try to know, whether he has stopped watching your stories or everyone's stories. Theres a difference. Like the Captain said, if it helps you have the conversation, totally go for it. There are many negative reactions a person can have when interacting with a depressed partner. Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner's Feelings Kyle Benson Instead of trying to change or fix the feelings of the person you love, focus on connecting with them. Do you know whether his goals match up with your goals? And you dont either, no matter what your boyfriend says. I feel like the most charitable view of your boyfriend is maybe someone who doesnt understand depression very well (though who knows, he may even have had first hand experience but its a mental illness that everyone experiences vastly differently) and has absorbed all the messages of exercise releases serotonin and Good Hormones so it is the Natural Cure! Responding to specific, objective elements is reasonable, and a good way to keep score if things are getting better or worse. Its still manipulation. If you broke up and had to move out of your shared place, where would you go? There were plenty of other things wrong with our relationship, but I was super-duper in love with him except that now I realize the person I ACTUALLY liked, loved, and respected was the imaginary version of him that lived in my head. The Captain makes some good points about transitioning from one kind of relationship to another, but there are some really worrying bits, here. To the point where I didnt want to go out because I couldnt take another lecture on how horrible I was. It epitomizes an important, or even THE important element of a relationship. If it does happen though, most times he will cancel on short notice because something came up at work so he couldnt get out of it. I have one word for you, LW. Can you talk with your therapist about what options are there for you and work with them to make a plan? And exercise does help me it does! Emotions *exist* and have a massive effect on our wellbeing, emotions dont just disappear if you have assessed them and decided that logically you should not be feeling that way (at least mine sure dont! It sounds like your boyfriend has a dysfunctional relationship with your illness. Your jerkbrain beats you up enough when you have depression. But thats the best I can think of that might be of some help. Cosigned. It sounds like hes making you miserable and hurting your recovery. I could write something very similar, except were only at 20 years. I also expressed my fear that he was trying to fix my depression, because I suspect that depression is just part of my makeup, and however well I manage it, there are always going to be some low points. Thats such an underhand control technique, as is the not-so-subtle belittling that happens in the guise of help.. It didnt! Maybe Im coming off as too harsh, and if I am I apologize. The only script I know of for remarks like that is What did you just say to me? Finally I flat out refused. I dont need bullying at that point -my brain does that for me- I need sustenance and caring. Then, repeat what you want him to do and make the boundary plain: 5. Similarly, she may love him and think he is perfect, if he only didnt do XYZ. I mean, its not like the fucking JerkBrain wasnt already screaming at me about what a pathetic, useless fuckup I was, so having a physical JerkBrain Enforcement Squad really helped me!!!! What causes these fights in the first place? He just doesn't feel the need (we used to have sex often, before the . Sometimes someone elses misery is beyond what you (you in general, not you in particular) can affect. But you shouldnt have to put up with constant questioning from anyone, especially when theyve been told to back off. . Want to have breakfast next Saturday/Catch up by Skype or phone soon? Since it sounds like your family might not be supportive, avoid them for now, and avoid all people who tend to make you feel small or sap your energy or who have the same bossy/halping tendencies as your boyfriend. When you don't tell him why he might just brush you off. We broke up, but were still friends today, and he honestly tried his best. He dropped out of college to focus on being a sound cloud rapper. You should always have an independent life that doesnt revolve around anyone else. Weve been through some really hard times and some very good and stable times. Some guys are just lazy, especially when it comes to relationships. . But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. Point out to your boyfriend that he's not her savior and doesn't need to ride to her rescue. Yup. But I really appreciate CAs gentleness to LW about that. until I stop caring. It doesnt bother me because of how he asks gently, not sternly, the tone he uses, and because the rest of the time he demonstrates how damnably attractive I am to him. My boyfriend is having problems with his family and some others issues. If you own the decision yourself, he cant position himself as one of two potential bosses of you (the other being your therapist), because youre making it clear that YOU are the boss of you. Bottom line is the conversation . There are way to many variables and we dont have all the information and the rules arent always consistent so we cant treat every situation like a puzzle with a clear solution. I hope that both you and the LW are able to get the unconditional love and actually helpful support you deserve, either in your current relationships or elsewhere. Your boyfriends suggestions dont sound like the ones I would give to someone struggling with depression. Yeah, this may be coming from a place of already focusing a bit intensely on food and exercise (history of disordered eating and over-exercise here) but to me this sounds like a recipe for mental health disaster. And throughout this time, avoid distractions such as social media. What do you do when your boyfriend stops making an effort? Thank you for the link. He used to love to know everything about you from the way you think and what you like your time to how it went. So even when your partner needs you all the time, you get to take time and space for yourself. Sometimes she gives me general approval to do something if shes having a rough time (food check-ins) and other things only count as very specific situational approval that has to be renewed any time I do it (phoning her psych, removing sharp objects). As the Captain has pointed out, the LW is the expert on their own life and relationship, and probably has enough You need to in their life already without getting it here. He stopped trying "He stopped trying, I couldn't even remember the last time we went on a real date. What steps can you take in order for him to feel less obliged and more willing again about making an effort with your relationship? I wish our society did not have such a negative view of women who have low moods. My partner of 3 1/2 years has depression and anxiety, and sometimes I act as her monitor/coach/support person in some ways. If you can see your fine self, he might fear that you he has to keep you under his thumb to keep you by his side. Heres some signs your relationship is over in all but name and Facebook status: It may seem like a good thing if you and your man never fight, but take it from a dude I never want to be wrong. Being The One Who Helps gives you a bit of power and a (falsely) elevated self-esteem. Depression. 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