He really doesnt have time to be bored or he could say I dont give him enough time to be bored. If someone's lack of response has become a. Welcome to r/relationship_advice. Maybe you have a friend or acquaintance who would love to get up and go. Anonymous. But after she left, he was angry. Once her (much older) husband started doing things to increase his T-levels, he once again became more active, horny, etc. I feel none of it was appreciated and he has a sense of entitlement. Of course, this doesnt mean that you should never spend time with your spouse. Its his fault for not paying enough attention. If youre spending more time with work, kids, or hobbies, he may feel left out. Most of our friends were developed through the people we have met in those activities (those mentioned in this post excluded). We'd like to take this time to remind users that: We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? 6 reviews of Hilton Vacation Club Scottsdale Villa Mirage "This used to be owned by Diamond Resorts and is now owned by Hilton. Its control, but only when he sees me doing things that dont involve him. And honestly I have done that at times. In other words, I'm a good person! Even if youre not trying to ignore him, busyness can create an emotional barrier. Sorry, this post was deleted by the person who originally posted it. That is exactly what my husband did and he admits it. Thank you, EG! Compliment him on things he does well, and express gratitude for you. " If dat new guy don't stop follin wit ma girl, ahm gon put a gree gree on him ." I also remember a few years ago my husband saying he would honor his boring commitment. Guess The Turd does more interesting things like eat sushi, try to look phat and fresh, and try to be a hipster. His demeanour physically / the way he moves is gentle and measured. After my husband and I boarded the plane, I began my ritual of praying . Time will tell. If you want things to change, stop enabling it (I really suggest just breaking up because you are trying to change something that has always been there) start setting some boundaries that You can't live like this and that things need to change cuz you are at the end of your rope (You should have just never gotten in a relationship or even married this man). My major flaw is that Im fat. At the same time, it's important to note that texting naturally falls off the longer you're with someone. I too am a fun person, and we dont do shi* b/c other half is content doing nothing. Last night my husband and sister got into a somewhat heated discussion when she brought up a friend from our hometown that got caught cheating. When it comes to a conclusion my husband doesn t want to spend time with me, an affair is one of the most common reasons. Stay strong. Yet he is still here, just as is your h. Why couldnt he show me that he could drop her, when I was feeling good about myself. 1. I vent ONLY to my bff, who knows our story and my level of commitment to this relationship. there was a time he was the life of the party and now.I believe he is depressed and has seen his doctor and neurologists for his headaches but no one has told him he may suffer from depression . We have two very young kids and both work high-pressure, full-time jobs. Depression and anxiety are both exhausting illnesses, so you must take care of yourself. It can take months for them to grasp the idea that they and they alone are responsible for the choices they made and the ensuing crap storm that resulted. Don't think your heavy sighs and the comments made under your breath are going unnoticed. Often, men show their love through acts of service instead of words. Agreed. First, talk to him about how youre feeling and see if theres anything he can do to change the situation. I have said to him more than once that I dont know who I am anymore. Make sure . he will drive an hour to see her for 20 min and goes out fo coffee and to movies, etc. Dear Carolyn: My husband does not want to spend alone time with me, leaving me feeling frustrated. Someday shell wake up. Ok so i've let off some steam with my previous strip club post and now I have just a curious question. So his solution might be to avoid you, to not spend time around you. even if it was my high school boyfriend that I felt was my true love at the time? EG, I was indeed joking as she playing the role of advisor, not basher. As the girls got older, I was looking forward to the two of us having time together again. She treated him better during their affair then she was treating me afterward. Over time I discovered that her POSOM didnt spend a dime on herexcept for cheap hotel rooms. Prior to having children, we had an active social life. Was so close to call out to my h and ask, but then my little girl started to take off. I am asking him to step up into a role he has really never (in 26 years of marriage) had to fulfill. We were trying to understand how they could have gotten to this place and hypothesized what could possibly be going on in their relationships, and why. I don't think . I handled it FAR better than he did, and I think I should be the one ranting and raving over how bad it made me feel. This is not an all-inclusive list. Things have evened out quite a bit and we have some nice little teamwork going on. Egos dont care what the external package looks like. Updated: June 23, 2020. Having him believe something that wasnt true. The only activity I can get him to do is sit and eat at restaurants. So you are either In or Out on this one. Now I have more expectations. I have to beg him. Then I feel hurt when he doesnt. Leaving Her Alone One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to leave your wife alone. If your husband feels like youre constantly nagging him, hell likely start to dread spending time with you. b. I let the selfish decisions of two very self absorbed people turn me into someone I am NOT. Rachel, my prayers are with you, Im so relieved your children are with you,. Don't get in a relationship where the main traits of a person irritates, you and don't expect those traits to just magically disappear just because you get married, Have a discussion where things do not move on until he starts answering questions, He gets on medication or he starts seeing someone to get his depression under control. Selfish people are extremely immersed in themselves. IMHO. I feel like I have to force him. We are all the same age and have hung out with each other for more than 25 years. Yes, this is selfish behavior but we ALL have our emotional limits. Lets face it, we arent children anymore, either have an adult relationship or dont, if you do not want to, then let the other person go so he/she can. My husband doesn t want to spend time with me; it hurts. Doug, I know you were joking but knowing Linda and what you guys have learned through hard experience, I am willing to bet she did very, very little husband bashing. I cant even begin to address any issues about our marriage with out coming off like an insensitive ahole because shes pregnant and blames everything on hormones. Of course, this isnt to say that you should never come first. My spouse is: old, fat, boring, lazy, doesnt like sex, doesnt love me, harsh, critical, unappreciative, ugly, jealous, nagging, a shrew, etc. Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, Most of the Time My Husband Doesnt Want to do Sh*t, No Such Thing As TMI The Importance of Full Disclosure After You Have Had an Affair, Affair Recovery Moving On After Infidelity, Taking Inventory: A New Approach to the New Year & A Betrayed Spouses Bill of Rights, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. You are so VERY right. Im glad its over for you. Because he is home 24/7 the bills have increased. 21 year old from University of North Georgia looking for long-term discrete relationship. Just wanted to let you know I understand what youre going through, youre not alone! This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you wont complain: My husband never wants to do anything with me. You dont have to fake excitement about every little thing, but ask questions and express genuine curiosity about what hes passionate about. Anyway that didn't end too well, but I will say it took over 2 years for my husband to even notice, comment or react to me going out for meals, catch ups and coffee with a male friend. I however am back to working full time at our business since he practically decimated it with his affair partner working there so I dont have much time or inclination to be the perfect homemaker he used to be married to. The outcome is a husband who is detached and less interested in being around his wife. It IS easy to jump on the band wagon when everyone is picking apart their spouses. e. just because someone throws something down it doesnt mean you have to pick it up. So many affairs are blamed on boredom, Dougs included. Problem is, is that when I do, he texts or calls me frequently asking when Ill be home. Also, the 21st birthday of my oldest son. For ME, the absolute foundation of monogamy is my commitment to that very principle. My husband is a person who has illness after illness. For nearly twenty five years before the affair he had a very traditional marriage, by both of our choices. She is also a very nasty person and looking like Miss America couldnt compensate for her internal self. Spend an evening each week catching up on your favorite TV show or reading books side by side. We can only imagine how his own eyes and mind were deceiving him. Even he says he had no complaints. Any ideas? There has to be a shift in thinking and approach here. Sound familiar? Real boyfriends take their girlfriends out on dates. Stupid. He claims it's his depression stopping him from wanting to do anything, but the problem is when he has his mind set on going or doing something he'll do it. In this case, try giving him some space and see if that encourages him to come to you more. Oh, I know, EG. All through his fog. When approaching your husband about this, don't criticize or apportion blame as this can put the other person on . Instead, he could simply be showing his love by other gestures. And that choice requires both daily practice and unwavering commitment. Arent all of you lucky:). My H never wants to do anything and has called his existence dead with me and that she awakened him. She got to screw another guy for 2 years and I was now bending over backwards trying to make her happywth? First, try taking a more proactive approach by planning fun activities that you can do together. John, its one of the hardest things to go through, I highly doubt I could go through it again. He's in good form from the minute he wakes up (unlike me). They questioned whether or not they had anything in common anymore with their husbands. I need to get that back, John and chiff, I need to start feeling good about myself again. Or going out together with friends or family? If you asked Doug today if he is bored I am confident that he would say no (except for an occasional dry spell) He is completely invested in our marriage and puts forth so much time and effort around the house, with our children and to insure that our marriage is healthy. Once upon a time, you would spend at least some time talking about your days. He wont go anywhere! I only wish I had done it MUCH SOONER. I just didnt want to believe what was actually happening and also, I didnt have the guts! It drives me totally nuts. Monogamy isnt a one-time choice for human beings; its an ongoing choice. Ok fine. Our social lives can revolve a bit too much THROUGH our kids. Yup, I no longer want all the responsibility of doing it all, anymore. You endured much more than most would be able to. Yes I did everything to make his life comfortable not so much now. I am smarter this time around, and while I dont plan to live my life constantly suspecting him of something, I will not live it with blind trust again, either. For example, suppose hes always putting his buddies before you or bailing on plans because hed rather do something else. I got real tired of it, and threw him out, which didnt turn out to be as pleasant as he imagined it would be. Ohh and the funny thing is, she wasnt on anything for depression. It runs in his family and he has suffered with it and sleep disorder for years. Besides, Im a fun person and I do like to do sh*t! She understands several crucial retirement principles for marriage that I want you to adopt. Some are more compelling than others but every body has one. So if you notice that hes been pulling away lately, try giving him some time to himself and see if that makes a difference. No matter what the problem is, communication is critical. Nikada / iStock. Gradually, he's changed, and his hygiene has gotten worse and worse. Dear sister, yes, these feelings haunt me daily. Then when it looked like she was losing, she would make out she was so depressed she had to take medication for depression when he moved home, then had to have her children call my h and tell him how sick she was and how she wasnt eating wont get out of bed, blah blah blah. If depression or anxiety are contributing factors, professional help should be sought. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year and we have a 8 week old daughter together. The 10 signs that your husband is not happy in your marriage 1. And Im but judging her about this, Im just commenting on it. That obviously will take a while. My husbands job was mainly to just show up and participate. They can't find the words to properly articulate their feelings, an issue, or a problem. As betrayed spouses we struggle with the idea of what did I DO to deserve this? Well, the truth is we did NOTHING. Try to understand and support his new goals. Its from Donna: I so agree..I had supported my husband for years while he went to school. All bans in this subreddit are permanent. And really peace for your ex too. He did help out by having someone come in once a week and do the heavier cleaning. Its so frustrating and can make you feel really lonely. Strong words eg thanks. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. Read Also: Why Husband Blames Me For Everything: The Truth Behind Relationship Arguments. Unique Proposal Ideas To Make Your Partner Say Yes, 21 Signs the Universe Wants You to Be With Someone, What to Do When a Guy Ghosts You: Obvious Red Flag Explained. I have to keep reminding myself that he needs time to adjust to the fact that life has changed. Like go to the grocery store, go to the pool, go to sport practice, go anywhere! For example, if you dont share his love for football, he may feel like it would be a waste of time. At least you are trying. It's a good way to keep a relationship alive. Easier to blame me. I only vent here. If he sees that youre making an effort for him, hell likely reciprocate. If youve gained a lot of weight, let your hair go gray, or stopped caring about your appearance, its possible your husband no longer finds you attractive. Remember what the marriage vows say? Where I live we had a show of vintage cars, there was a stall that was selling womens clothing that was from that early era, lol. I am 62 and he is 70, maybe its his age. If I had listened to my gut and gone with my instinct, I could have stopped this all much much sooner. He has let his hair grow long and messy and refuses to get a haircut. He feels like he can't win. I guess if Ive found any silver lining in my situation it has been establishing a value of self worth that cannot be skewed by anyone and as was said before no more blind faith. You absolutely tell it like it is. This is bonding time. Doug, Linda, anyone elseone topic I would love to see discussed: how do you handle ti when the topic of affairs comes up in discussion with friends, etc. Its not just you and him against the world. Sometimes, codependent people may end up in. Or well, our marriage had really drifted apart and I knew we were very disconnected. 4) He doesn't know how to bring something up. This is a big red flag, and my advice is to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and discuss this with someone there because. You never know, once your husband sees what a great time you are having. "My husband never wants to go anywhere, all he ever thinks about is gumbo, gogo, and dodo." gree gree , any object of contrivance used to conjure harm or evil to the recipient. She said the same thing about being bored and finding excitement. Unless I wanted to peruse thing it would have cost me between 15,000-20,000. Read Also: 11 Signs of Selfish Husband and How to Deal With Him. He should be talking with the baby if not reading to baby at least once a week is not asking much. was I the one responsible for what I did? If I interrupt the tv he gets annoyed. If the marriage was that fundamentally screwed up, there would be NO staying and no ability to fix it and move forward (as most people do). Then he would call her because ohh it made her feel better, the. During a dinner with Lala and the "You're Gonna Love Me" podcast host, 36, Raquel admitted that she liked Tom, 40, but . It's always healthy for the dad to bond with baby, have skin time, even if the baby is fussy. Its better that way. I do everything outside the home with friends, nothing with him. I do need to add it wasn't my finest moment, and I'm not proud of this. I am with him 24/7 365 and at 65 I have become his parent. It was his brokenness and going into self-destruct mode. My only texting buddy ghosted me so I came here. Something along the lines of, well if he was happy he wouldnt be with me. I have to basically threaten with taking away screen time almost every time it is time to do something. Learn how your comment data is processed. It is just easier to blame someone else rather than looking within. But living with a depressed person takes the life out of you. Devoted my life to him and my children..worked at a job I hated for the money and where am I know? My husband is a homebody, so am i, but i do like to go out just for an hour or (walk the dog , or take the kids to the park on their bikes). Im worthy f respect, from him and his family, he should stand by my every time his family disrespect me. You can be bored, stressed, depressed, or a whole host of other emotions on ANY given day. Trusting that you have been accurate with your wife's words, I'd like to share a quote from Michael Warner's 1999 queer manifesto The Trouble With Normal, which applies to you more than you . he said if she was going to be such a jerk, she didnt need to come over here, or he didnt need to ever be around her, blah blah blah. And he will bethe old guy at the club. Lol, and ewwwww. Im running out of ideas and shes boring the sh## outta me and shes the one who cheated. Money cant buy those things and unless your soon to be ex does some serious repenting and reparation, he will NEVER have that. If that makes sense. We have a son who lives in Australia and he would not even go see him. A Crappy Vacation Told Me My Marriage Was Really Over. they are dependent on those activities. That is a rough thing to admit, but doing so frees me of any thought that any cheater isnt responsible for his or her actions. As you say, freedom to do what you want, and in my husband's case, no mood swings, he is always just even tempered. Yeah I know..not productive, LOL. There is one of three reasons . Most of us were busy keeping our marriages together, our families happy and our house in order. What to do if my husband never wants to do anything with me because of mental illness? But where is my security? I will NEVER go through this again. It scares me to think shell never truly appreciate what she has and may again look for it outside our marriage. 6. What I thought would come back to me at some point (like a true relational marriage), is no longer my dream. I even wrote a comment to that effect not long ago. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns. I used to have a higher regard for my wedding vows but these scars will unfortunately stay with me and so be it. Wow I have been coming here for years. Yes, you guessed ittheir husbands. 21 [S4A] Feminize Me and Show Me Why I Should Never Go Back (Dahlonega, GA) 1 / 4. Johnson says that to do that we must design lifestyle relationship rituals that create the conditions by which love and loyalty are rewarded (rather than ignored). Jed believed he was having a midlife crisis and he does fit the scenario but I am just worn out and tired of dealing with him. HA. No, not perfectly but he COULD have asked for what he needed. Then when I think about how unappreciative and selfish her betrayal was in the first place I feel like fool for stretching myself so thin when I feel like she should be kissing MY ass. I totally agree, Decimated. If he does something differently, it does not mean that it's wrong. Worse, I let others judge that for me. This could be an emotional affair or a physical one. Suggest ways to wind down together after a long day instead of just vegging out in front of the TV. What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All lies he makes up to mess with her head. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. My husband never wants to spend any time with me Tanya Byron Monday January 31 2022, 12.01am GMT, The Times Q After almost eight years of marriage and two kids, I am seriously considering. Before we got married, he kept himself clean. Use that time to bond with him, leash-train and you should be good. It's an example of his own insecurity and need to control you. I wonder at times how my h felt when he looked at himself in the mirror while his eyes mind was battling with his heart and soul. Time for ME to start setting the bar for my OWN self-esteem and not basing it on HIS assessment of me. If I would have filed at the beginning I would be years ahead in of where I am now in terms of my recovery. So making comments and getting feedback really helps me. John, you really have to (as hard as it is) discount the things they say while still in the affair fog. My husband is a type 2 diabetic (which is totally uncontrolled) and has hypertension, elevated cholesterol, as well as several other health issues. I kind of envy the people who say.we were on the verge of divorce before the affair and I can kind of see why it happened. I try to engage him and put energy into our relationship and it helps for a few days then he is back to doing nothing. Its essential to show interest in the things your spouse enjoys, even if you dont share the same enthusiasm. My 10 year old son's personality is that he does not want to leave the house to do go stuff. So, if you think this might be the explanation for the issue my husband never wants to do anything with me, make an effort to lose weight, get a new haircut, or buy some new clothes. If you . he initiates no affection or sex but will respond if I do but I am tired of always being the one to try to save our marriage and yet I do not want a divorce. Linda claims it was the other two women that were doing all of the complaining (uh, huh) and the core complaints were that their husbands never wanted to do anything and were basically boring stick-in-the-muds. He often jokes about leaving his wife. The lack of attention you are receiving from your husband could possible be due to his attraction to someone else. Since monogamy is an ongoing choice, its something that has to be inspired over the long term. Everyone makes mistakes, and your husband is no exception. 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