He had a book coming out,Talking to Strangers, which included a well-researched chapter on alcohol and blackouts in the context of a college scandal I knew better than most, having met some of the people involved with the legal case. Id long considered myself a liberal and a feminist, but Id grown terrified of being banished for views I considered reasonable, or at least worth discussingbut maybe, but what about, but actually. So this is my resolution as I trudge from this dark place: to speak out more. Were missing the chance to learn. Sarah Hepola is a journalist and editor who lives in Texas. She was a very positive person, had an independent spirit, was high energy, and was incredibly welcoming and caring. And when my friends stopped laughing because, you know, laughter is a complicity; its Im in this with you. When my friends stopped laughing, I was like, Oh wow, OK, this isnt so cool anymore., Each of my friends reacted differently to what was going on. Oh yeah, that was me. You start to see the ways that their stories sync up with you. There was so much that was on the other side of sobriety that was so much better. Shes the host and creator of the Texas Monthly podcastAmericas Girls, an eight-part series on the lost history and cultural impact of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, a series that no less thanVogue magazine said expertly complicates Americas cheerleading obsession. Sarah never knew she was a cat person until she got a cat. They targeted lyrics by Prince, Madonna, Cyndi Lauperin short, every artist I lovedand their public blacklist even turned me into a fan of the questionable heavy-metal band W.A.S.P., whose name was thought to be an acronym for We Are Sexual Perverts. (I had no idea!). And though the area of expertise Id staked out as a writer was the complications of womens independence and the nuances of sex, and my own personal brand was blunt honesty, I could not bring myself to say word one about these episodes in public. In the sixth grade, I did a six-week research project on the PMRC, the Parents Music Resource Center, and you might call that lengthy, impassioned report my first long-form story. Maybe Ill write something lousy. He could take the hits. Maybe it would get me intoThe New Yorker! For Sarah, and many of her peers living in New York, blackouts were normal. Prickly issues that deserve a full airing are being treated as settled law. Funeral Planning and Grief Resources | Millers victims statement evokes the confusion, the shame, the soul trespass of this harrowing moment. His books include: The Making of an American High School (Yale, 1988); How to Succeed in School Without Really Learning: The Credentials Race in American Education (Yale, 1997); The Trouble with Ed Schools (Yale University Press, 2004); Someone Has to Fail: The Zero-Sum Game of Public Schooling (Harvard, 2010); and A Perfect Mess: The Unlikely Ascendancy of American Higher Education (Chicago, 2017).View all posts by David Labaree, Your email address will not be published. A writers life is financially precarious. What was trauma, really? At one point, for example, she came out of a blackout while having sex with someone she didn't recognize: "It's like the universe dropped me into someone else's body. I stayed on a podcast about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders that I feared everyone would hate, and I braced myself to be unpopular, to take the hits, which never really came. Hepola A lonely, attention-starved child, Hepola started stealing sips of her parents' beer at age seven. We are all unreliable narrators. ", "[P]eople in a blackout can be surprisingly functional," she writes. This interview has been edited and condensed. During the resistance movement of 2016, a friends book about feminism got dropped in part because her feminism wasnt the right kind for the Trump era. Not only has she written for us, but she's been filling up the internet for a while. Online condolences may be left at jonespearson.com. I think the first instinct when you have this situation is to cut that person out of your life. The first time Sarah Hepola, author of the new memoir Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget, got drunk, she was eleven years old, visiting her cousin for summer vacation. My parents were Yankee liberals, only one of many ways we didnt fit. Movies and books became a refuge, along with the Top 40 radio I listened to at night in my pink-and-red bedroom to drown out arguments between my parents, who were going through a rough patch. Maybe Ill meet the love of my life, and maybe come April, Ill be picking up groceries for the good people of North Texas who need those seven items, pronto. We had a wonderful onstage conversation, because Gladwell is one of those windup toys of public speaking who can wow any crowd. Id say it was disappointed. You cant predict these things; its all guesswork. Joan Didion, Carl Sagan, Christopher Hitchens, though I had more reservations about that last one. Some of them were just never going to cut me out, no matter what. ), Backstage at the Texas Book Festival event, I chatted with Gladwell. In Blackout, Hepola likens sobriety to a "plot twist" and shows the anguish that befell her when she was finally forced to face a version of herself, sans alcohol, head-on. If you do, that is sexual assault. All Rights Reserved. She and Don raised six children there. by Sarah Hepola. But central to Millers despair is this: She could not remember what happened. She was in her own bed, her cat snuggled up beside her and the sun . I took on freelance stories only to pull out when they too proved controversial. She is also survived by her grandchildren: Sarah, Brady, Matt, JJ, Jennifer, Greg, Joe, Danny, and Shane, along with her great-grandchildren Runa, Hans, Asher, Bear, and Autumn. All my friends drank -- why were they telling me its not OK, when their drinking was OK? She is currently working on a memoir for The Dial Press/Random House about her ambivalent . Sometimes, when money was tight, I ate this big jar of peanut butter . How long does it take to become a therapist? One of the great mistakes of our moment is being deemed on the wrong side of history. But has anyone read ahead in the book so they know how future generations will see this stuff? When I quit drinking in 2010, bringing to an end a dark history of blackouts and tumbles down staircases, I thought I might lose my writing career. and Al Franken became Andrew Cuomo and Dave Chappelle. Sarah Hepola is the author of the bestselling Blackout and whatever she writes next. What he said was slow, and careful, and Ive never forgotten it. So theres a little bit of TBD on that answer. If I had to pick, I think I'd honestly say I miss smoking more - although it is nice being able to go up a flight of stairs and not feel like I'm dying! Her essays have appeared in the New York Times magazine, the Atlantic, Elle, Bloomberg Businessweek, The Guardian, Salon, and Texas Monthly. What things cant you write about?, Gender, sex, politics. You can call it cancel culture. Copyright 2018 - 23 Writers gathered around the long communal table of Twitter, and some days it felt like the last scene of Reservoir Dogseveryone turning their guns on one another. But there would be no lunch after the show. I surrounded myself with people who reminded me I was loved, no matter what the firing squads on Twitter said. As a drinker and a snob, I had an allergy to educational materials, period. But the world kept exploding, and I only retreated further into my hidey-hole. and Al Franken became Andrew Cuomo and Dave Chappelle. And it might be different from what you are at the moment -- without being supermodel size, either. She writes of her. What if I had to substitute strawberries for raspberries and the customer didnt like strawberries? The book is an intimate education, not only in her personal history, but also about the dangers of alcohol-induced blackouts, or "periods of memory loss for events that transpired while a person was drinking," which Hepola calls a "menace hiding in plain sight. She lives in Dallas. Its a fair point, but me, personally? I thought that my friendships were over, because alcohol had been such a point of bonding for us. My college boyfriend introduced me to Joan Didion. The things you and I discuss., Nicole Chung: How to organize your writing ideas, He ran a hand through his hair. It was also, as Miller acknowledged and like every story ever told, incomplete. Maybe Ill write something great this year. Fear of professional exile has kept me from taking on certain topics. Staying silent as writers in this fractured world is understandable, maybe even wise; its also a disserviceto society, the career we fought so hard to claim, and ourselves. She lives in Dallas. There were the pressing matters of rent, exorbitant insurance, and the occasional glitter heels. David Labaree on Schooling, History, and Writing, Comments on the nature of the US system of schooling, big history, and the craft of writing. . on Sarah Hepola The Things Im Afraid to Write About. This was the stuff of doorstop novels, and yet people were working it out in 280 characters dashed off in line at Trader Joes. All Rights Reserved. I carved out a journalism career during an era when that was not so hard to do. I was stuck. Not to engage in callouts, or scolding, or eye rolls, which are not my style, but to express my own deep ambivalence, my own point of view on subjects that matter to me. Consent, complicity, moral trespass, power dynamics. The reviews were mixed, but the hits didnt really come, maybe because by the time his book came out, during the cresting wave of Black Lives Matter, the culture had moved away from #MeToo discussions, or maybe because nobody felt like tangling with Malcolm Gladwell. I'm making all the right sounds. From 2015 to 2021, my private conversations were some of the best Ive ever had. Often called the Stanford rape (although the ghastly episode was, under California law at the time, considered a sexual assault butnot a rape) it became famous after the young woman at the center wrote ablisteringvictims statementthat was published onBuzzFeedand went supernova. Not to engage in callouts, or scolding, or eye rolls, which are not my style, but to express my own deep ambivalence, my own point of view on subjects that matter to me. Id get killed!, His look wasnt judgmental. Im dying to talk about the Brock Turner incident, I said. Leave your condolences to the family on this memorial page or send flowers to show you care. Not that project, not that story, not that controversy. You say that in your own life, "alcohol often made the issue of consent very murky." What the unlikely matchup means for one writer's family. She also contributes personal essays to NPR's "Fresh Air." As a journalist, you can create a free Muck Rack account to customize your profile, list your contact preferences, and upload a portfolio of your best work. Its not about me -- she gave me a great gift by saying, and Im paraphrasing: This is actually about you; this is about your behavior. Sarah Hepola tells me how in the 1990s while she was at the University of Texas it was important for her to "drink, dress, and fuck like a man". I was very disconnected from my body by the end. Possible humiliation, almost-certain ridicule, and excused overindulgence: Never one to flee from a challenge, our writer goes to her high-school reunion. Over the years, pop culture has brought us some bizarre international pairings: Jerry . But the conversation didnt go as Id planned. Its very unusual for sexual assaults involving a blackout to get a conviction, partly for this reason. Are you kidding? She lives in East Dallas, where she enjoys listening to the Xanadu soundtrack and puttering in her garden, when she remembers she has one. And I knew blackouts so intimately that I literally wrote the book. At a lake. Here's a link to the original. The selfie with Malcolm Gladwell I posted to Instagram did get a ton of likes, though. Sally was very special and made friends wherever she went. As jobs in the industry diminished, journalism had become even more cutthroat. Cloud Teachers College and became a 4 th Grade Teacher in Sebeka, MN where she met her future husband, Donald Hepola. My friends and I at thealternative paper inAustin, Texas,sat around long communal tables at dive bars arguing about pop culture, trying to one-up one another with off-color jokes as we downed pint after pint. The couple next to me on my flight was headed to a wedding and staying with 81 people at an AirBNB. You mention that you were able to write off educational materials about excessive drinking -- like a student health center pamphlet, in college -- because they just didnt seem that realistic to you. What if I had to substitute strawberries for raspberries and the customer didnt like strawberries? The unwritten rule of elite media tribes seemed to be this: You spout the company line, or you shut up. For Sarah Hepola, alcohol was "the gasoline of all adventure." She spent her evenings at cocktail parties and dark bars where she . Ask the Puritans. I toyed with the idea of writing about Brock Turner. . Oh I cant, I said, and its hard to read Malcolm Gladwell, but his body language expressed something like: Then what are we doing here? by Sarah Hepola (Author) 2,944 ratings Editors' pick Best Biographies & Memoirs See all formats and editions Kindle $10.99 Read with Our Free App Audiobook $0.00 Free with your Audible trial Hardcover $22.45 85 Used from $1.49 25 New from $10.50 5 Collectible from $6.00 Paperback Millers account is searing. Shes the co-conspirator of Smoke Em if You Got Em, a weekly podcast on whats burning through the culture that she hosts with friend and fellow scribe Nancy Rommelmann. He was president of the History of Education Society and member of the executive board of the American Educational Research Association. She and Don raised six children there. Sarah Hepola, the author of Blackout, is a writer at large for Texas Monthly. She moved out of Brooklyn to a tiny, beautiful apartment on Jane Street in Manhattan, then a year later back to her hometown of Dallas, Texas, where she is tearing up the town writing for local and national publications, and still editing essays for Salon. Sarah Hepola Net Worth is $7 Million. The Rise to Fame 1. And they dont know the difference between blacking out and passing out. Prickly issues that deserve a full airing are being treated as settled law. We will miss her deeply. Maybe Ill write something great this year. BLACKOUT: Remembering The Things I Drank To Forget, Things Fall Apart: Thoughts on Joan Didion, Why Im Doing a Podcast on the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. She writes of waking up in a hospital with no idea how she got there and only a handful of cluesa grim scenario that is nonetheless a familiar one for blackout drinkers like me. I was very disconnected from the emotional stakes of sex. Im posting this for two compelling reasons. The tragic result is a disturbed public forum where it often seems like no adults are in the room. And I was broke, but I had no idea what to do about it. Fewer open bars, more closed DMs. But my cohort and I had grown up wanting it both ways: a safe career, and an artistic one. Can you actually support yourself as an Uber driver? I had no boyfriend and practically no qualms about that. I applied to pick up groceries for Instacart, and each time I scrolled through the latest batch (seven items, two miles away), I was seized with the fear that Id fail at that too. Oprah managed deep conversations with each of them, never pointing out that one account brushed uncomfortably against the other. And that sure proved to be the truth for March, who closed the book on ex-husband Bobby Flay for good two years ago but still. Sarah grew up in Dallas, Texas, and was brought up in a household of modest chaos. Gender, sex, morality. There are some crucial details missing from Sarah Hepola's new memoir, Blackout -- but that's the whole point. Sarah Hepola is the author of the bestselling memoir, Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget, and the host/creator of America's Girls, a Texas Monthly podcast about the lost history and cultural impact of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. And I was broke, but I had no idea what to do about it. Burial service for victims of the SS Atlantic shipwreck, April 1873. I just thought this was how it was donewe said one thing in public, and backstage we said what we really thought. When I came out the other side of that, and I was sober and I was examining, Why did I drink so much?, one of the reasons was because I never felt comfortable in my body. A bigot? I hope you revel in the writing and wrestle with the problem. All I know is that I hated it, and for five years, I kept very quiet about it. (I had to imagine that Oprah, queen of empathy, was having a hell of a time in this day and age. . Im not going to die in that ditch today, I often said to a like-minded friend when we spoke about these scandals, which was daily, both of us getting in a lather because the topics were so rich. But there would be no lunch after the show. But so many of these spectacles could be grouped under a more mundane heading. What things cant you write about?, Gender, sex, politics. For me, in terms of consent, there are these very clear lines. Some kind of moral monster? Outside on the sidewalk, he thanked me politely and sauntered off in the other direction, and I was left wondering why, indeed, we do these things. Maybe Ill meet the love of my life, and maybe come April, Ill be picking up groceries for the good people of North Texas who need those seven items, pronto. Steven Pinker Will ChatGPT Replace Human Writers? The younger man and I could talk in an antic way Id come to find quite valuable. I grew so deeply uncomfortable, so roiled with shame, that I began plotting new careers. First scientifically described in 1946 by E.M. Jelliinek, an alcohol-induced blackout is an amnestic event during a drinking episode without loss of consciousness. Blackout by Sarah Hepola | Summary & Analysis Preview: In her memoir, Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget, Sarah Hepola examines how she drank, why she drank, how others responded to her, and the misfortunes that occurred during her journey to sobriety. One of the common arguments made, at least about #MeToo scandals, is that the men (and women) behaving badly rarely face legal punishment. She was one of those people who rarely had a bad day. Im worried about you. There had been more grievous allegations, of courserape, pedophilia, physical abuse. My writer friends and I huddled backstage at panels in green rooms filled with chocolate-chip cookies and veggie platters, whispering about everything we couldnt say out there, in the scary beyond. Public shaming is the worst kind of shaming. ), Backstage at the Texas Book Festival event, I chatted with Gladwell. Taboo subjects have always been delectable, but suddenly we were living in a time when so much that was once considered fair game for discussion (education, biological differences, the benefits of policing) had become dangerous. New York, Grand Central Publishing, 2015, 230 pp., 26.00. I was so proud of this small, private act of civil disobedience that I brought it home to Texas to show it to the younger man like a prized pelt. Which is one of the fundamental problems that alcoholics have to face: some people can keep alcohol in their life because theyre able to moderate it, but I could not. Her past jobs include: Travel columnist, music editor, film critic, sex blogger, and for about 15 seconds in the late '90s, she taught high school English. And in a way, youre telling that person something. That sounds really dramatic. Beginning. Shining a light into her blackouts, she discovers the person she buried, as well as the confidence, intimacy, and creativity she once believed came only from a bottle. The fast-typing egalitarians of the internet age wanted social change, vengeance, a megaphone for their righteous anger. But there was a . Gender, sex, morality. Outside on the sidewalk, he thanked me politely and sauntered off in the other direction, and I was left wondering why, indeed, we do these things. "You might think it's stupid, but I still think it's art." The question is: What size is that, and should it be? If so, can they please tell me, so I can choose my stance accordingly? The tragic result is a disturbed public forum where it often seems like no adults are in the room. Nobody wants the bad guys to get away with it. I have a million things to say, but well talk about it after the event.. The #MeToo movement, which felt like a necessary corrective when it began, was starting to feel like an arrow pointed at our own agency. During the resistance movement of 2016, a friends book about feminism got dropped in part because her feminism wasnt the right kind for the Trump era. I suspect I will lose followers (I dont have that many), but perhaps I will gain self-respect, which Ive been sorely lacking lately. David F. Labaree is Lee L. Jacks Professor at the Stanford University Graduate School of Education and a professor (by courtesy) in history. Its a shame the Internet hates him, I messaged. Its kind of mind-boggling to contemplatethat not pouring a beer on a strangers head would be the bad career move. podcast about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. I have a million things to say, but well talk about it after the event.. What might happen if she got a dragon? IWNDWYT. That was another reason for the silence. I wanted people to love me without really knowing me, which isnt love. I didnt deserve to be there, or at least thats how I felt as guests exchanged war stories about the scolds on social media, where I mostly posted upcoming appearances, like a bot run by a PR firm. They were married in Little Falls and moved to Eden Prairie, MN in 1962. Fear of professional exile has kept me from taking on certain topics. Im 40 years old, and during all these years that Im getting wasted to the point of blackout, that Im falling down stairs, that Im having one night stands with guys, I cannot remember -- and Im not saying this never happened, but I cannot remember -- a friend, a person around me, or anyone saying, Were you too drunk to consent to this? I just dont remember that conversation ever happening. So I was relieved that someone of Gladwells stature had broached the topic. Lets get blackout has been a college rallying cry for many years. What I needed to do for myself was to find the body that I felt comfortable in, given the parameters that I have. I kept going. by Sarah Hepola. And this is not just a sex thing! She is also survived by her grandchildren: Sarah, Brady, Matt, JJ, Jennifer, Greg, Joe, Danny, and Shane, along with her great grandchildren Runa, Hans, Asher, Bear, and Autumn. Its a shame the Internet hates him, I messaged. Im not gonna deal with that person because that person brings chaos -- and I understand that. So I was relieved that someone of Gladwells stature had broached the topic. Her stories have appeared in the NYT Magazine, the Guardian, Elle, Slate, Texas Monthly, and Salon, where she was a long-time editor. Everything is guesswork. All Content 2023 Sarah Hepola. My heart goes out to people who have that situation. "This is a point worth underscoring, since the most common misperception about blacking out is confusing it with passing out, losing consciousness after too much booze. Artists were the weirdos and the scoundrels, the square pegs who never fit the round hole of society, and the result was typically a bucket of addictions, perversions, and bizarre predilections born of life on the outskirts. I felt betrayed. Back in 2015, I was putting out my first book, and then I was promoting that book, and then I was struggling to write a second book, and I could not risk the personal and professional blowback that might accompany stepping into the wrong lane. by Sarah Hepola. 30 Articles Style & Design |. And so I watched from afar as the person whose memory had not recorded the incident came to control the narrative. Once-celebrated writers were being publicly rebranded as ghoulish, pieces of trash, red-pilled. husband and son, that ultimately create the life she needs to survive. But in my professional life, I wrote about apolitical subjects such as dating and travel, and on Instagram, I mostly posted about my cat and whatever seltzer I was currently enjoying. Writers gathered around the long communal table of Twitter, and some days it felt like the last scene ofReservoir Dogseveryone turning their guns on one another. Drinking felt like freedom, part of her birthright as a strong, enlightened twenty-first-century woman. I was so hungry for this luxurious taffy pull, where we all gathered together and tried to sort out something closer to the truth. Perhaps my thinking, steeped in the classic liberalism of 90s slacker culture,wasunevolved. A nagging sense that I did not know enough about any given controversy to weigh in publicly (though that never stopped so many others). I think a lot of people dont know the difference. He skillfully reframed a rape culture narrative as a tragic misunderstanding fueled by the distortion of booze. Perhaps he was disappointed in me, or in an environment where writers saved the best and juiciest controversies for private conversations. I grew up in a conservative part of Dallas, in the conservative 80s. I have that line in the book: Activism may defy nuance, but sex demands it." A menudo se despertaba con lagunas y un espacio en blanco en el que debera haber habido cuatro horas. Public scolding, all-caps hyperbole, a stubborn refusal to understand another point of viewintolerance, once perceived as a conservative problem, was fully bipartisan now. He worked in a factory, with his hands. What was I, a rape apologist? Millers account was one of the most affecting pieces of writing I read that year. Our heroine finally makes peace with her hometown. "Sobriety sucked the biggest donkey dong in the world," she tells us, and she backs that up. This felt empowering to her, as it did to many of us who were young and sexually active at that time. To listen. Fewer open bars, more closed DMs. Maybe it would get me into The New Yorker! What gets lost when a writer mutes herself? She was preceded in death by: her husband, Don; her son, Mark; and her daughter in law Twyla (Paul). Yeah. Her place was filled with hardback books and writers who had been invited because they danced on the precarious edge of what was considered appropriate. Course Syllabus School, What Is It Good For? If women wanted equality in the bedroom, why did so many confess to being turned on by domination and rough sex? I was very disconnected from, Am I even hungry? I am such a binge eater, and I will eat away my feelings in the same way that I would drink away my feelings. If women wanted equality in the bedroom, why did so many confess to being turned on by domination and rough sex? Sally is survived by her children: John (Tracy) of Bemidji, MN, Paul of Menahga, MN; Jean Gibbs (Mark) of Waconia, MN, Sue Umhoefer (Mark)of Hartland, Wl, and Dale of Bemidji, MN. Atlantic. But being sympathetic to these fallen creaturesa trait instilled by literature, my mother, and Oprahhad been declared a sin. Follow her on Twitter (@sarahhepola) and Instagram . Im not going to die in that ditch today, I often said to a like-minded friend when we spoke about these scandals, which was daily, both of us getting in a lather because the topics were so rich. At my core, I was a people pleaser, and the culture had reached a moment when any opinion worthy of expression ran the risk of losing half your audience. Privately, I worried I was wrong. I suspect I will lose followers (I dont have that many), but perhaps I will gain self-respect, which Ive been sorely lacking lately. Everyone kept quiet (save for the brave few who did not). TWIN CITIES, MN Camille Williams, who co-anchored with her husband Cory Hepola for KARE 11 on weekends surprised her fans Tuesday night when she announced her departure from the station . 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